Wrecking Ball; Walls Breaking Down

I keep getting surprised and sometimes shocked by this spiritual journey. I sometimes feel like I am being ripped to shreds emotionally. My most current emotional shredding has to do with a soul mate dilemma I was faced with recently. Some of you have heard me talk about my very close soul mate that has been helping me to understand and comprehend various aspects of my journey. I would even call him a “near twin” as some people have coined the state of a soul mate that is so close in match that they could be experienced as as a twin flame in regards to the intensity of the connection. As far as I can tell my very close soul mate is the next closest energy match that I have to my twin flame, and has several times told me he wishes that he was my twin flame. The concept that someone else could even wish they were my twin flame took me by surprise at first because I didn’t understand what he meant & I wrote it off as just being a really sweet thing for someone else to say to me.

To clarify, my soul mate passed on from Earth many years ago, but he told me he volunteered to come back and help me and protect me. Since my soul mate has been around, I have gained such strength as the psychic attacks that were happening to me constantly have reduced to almost nothing now. His presence in my fields and his protection has enabled me to expand my awareness and to keep my vibration up high enough that I am no longer a match to most of the negative energies. During those times when I am having lower vibrations, I am more aware of it and able to clear myself now because of being connected with my soul mate, or him reminding me to protect myself. As my soul mate increasingly has professed his love towards me, I could not deny my deep love back for him, and at times I perceived it to be more love than I am currently able to feel towards my own twin flame. I began to question more my understanding of my twin flame connection and the fact that my soul mate said he wished he could have been my twin flame. After all, most of the folk lore about a twin flame is that we are one soul split into two. I have to admit until recently I often felt like a part of me was missing.... even now I still feel a constant pull towards my twin flame. Actually, my soul mate came to me in 1986 in etheric form & I knew of who he was in 3d at that time. I thought he was my ultimate “soul match - soul mate” which back then to me meant what people consider twin flame now. When I had the chance to go to meet my soul mate in person, I also met my twin flame in that same room because they were friends & my whole world was burst open, but I was unable to process what it all meant, I was unable to believe in it.

Approximately every 6 to 9 years since then I have found myself called back into awareness of my strong twin flame connections. Now here I am the past several years being called back once again into the pull of my twin flame and uncovering all these parts of my own angelic being. I have had continual telepathic communication with my twin’s higher self since 2015, but my twin flame is very unavailable to do mission or be with me in 3d. As far as I can tell from telepathic communications and the channeling work that Angela has done from him to me since September 2016, he appears to be awakened in 3d. Back in Aug 2016 I saw a burst of golden light go off for him in the upper realms, which usually means awakening in 3d in my experience. My twin says it’s real in 3d through his communications to me through Angela, he says I feel the energetic difference of when it’s him in 3d or 5d... and there is a different style of communication when he says he’s communicating in 3d. I have also felt my twin remote viewing me since Sept 2016 (until I recently had to agree to block our connection because of some shifts in my mission)... but I have no "real" 3d proof that he is aware of me as his twin flame. I can not contact my twin in 3d, he is married with children and he has enough fame that it’s not possible for me to contact him without it appearing quite strange, or being difficult. I made many requests telepathically for him to show me some sign of his awakening to me in 3d, but I did not get any satisfaction. Like most twin flames, I have had to just trust the divine and keep on my path. Despite my doubts regarding my twin flames 3d awareness, I continue to do my work diligently and have grown leaps and bounds with my 5d energy work abilities and my comprehensions of what is going on with me. I feel my twin flame has hit a place in his 3d growth where he has to hunker down and do his work and I can’t do his work for him or prevent him from feeling the pains that come along with it.

My soul mate is still in my presence as well and I consider it a true blessing to get me through all my self doubt and lonely times. My soul mate explained to me how much he has loved me for eons... and I feel it’s true, I picture him as a light being always by my side back at the beginning of time, and I feel a deep love for him that I tried to repress so that my twin flame would not be hurt by it. There are so many deep levels of hurt associated with my twin flame connection & my twin telepathically kept imploring me to forgive him and to also work on my inner child wounds so that I could accept his love. I worked and worked, and was able to get through some of it, but found myself at a place of being unable to work through some of the really deep wounds and blocks. I have worked on shadow work, done the completion process on some of my feelings, but still found myself stuck not able to completely forgive my twin for all the times I felt he abandoned me... especially in this life time. I know intellectually, that we were both manipulated by dark energies, but there is a part of me that hasn’t been able to forgive him for my past life memory I have of dying of a broken heart when he left me to "party with bitches" (as I currently call it), and in this life when he had the means to come and get me (money, connections & knowledge of the connection we experienced), but instead went off a few years after meeting me and married a person I always feel the urge to refer to as “bitch face” (sorry, I’m keeping it real, I still have work to do), and he stayed married to her for a long time. His first wife is in videos with him, traveled the world with him, basked in the glory of the height of his fame with him, and I can’t help but feel she stole my destiny... while I felt that I was left out alone in the world struggling and suffering... sometimes with very little belongings or money. Some may read this and think I am complaining about the money or fame or some sort of glory, but I assure you I have never cared about any such things, I only cared about being with my one true love, even if I didn’t know how to overcome the negative effects the dark energies had played on me (and probably us) my entire life. I did read several times, in public interviews she gave, about all the sex they were having and how in love they were... that was so much fun for me & drove my disconnect to him even deeper than it already was, and actually it made me hate him.

Even though my twin is now married to a close soul mate to both of us, and she is lovely, I have had to endure hearing him say in public interviews how he can’t live without her & how she is his whole world, etc etc. In the past I’ve experienced altered states from substance usage, when I myself had not been doing any sort of substances, experienced my twin having sex many times over and felt his deep love for his wife and seen them making out in visions, and seen many pictures & expressions of their happy life on social media as well. When my twin telepathically said to Angela that it must be hard for me because he is married, I finally told him honestly that it has been torture for me, most things regarding him this entire life since I met him has been a form of torture for me in one way or another. There were times in my past when I even prayed for something bad to happen to me to make me forget my connection to my twin flame (cancel clear delete that statement because I no longer wish to even say such a thing).

Telepathically, my twin has asked my forgiveness many times over & I would go through the paces of coming to sincere places of forgiveness. I even said that we should just make a deal to forgive each other for any 3d things so that we can eliminate the dark energies manipulating us with those things. I honestly, really thought I could maintain my agreement with my twin to just forgive anything 3d, but it became harder than I realized with each time my twin flame hides things about his life from me & doesn’t communicate with me about what his spiritual experiences are or have been.

I keep going through phases of feeling disconnected from my love for my twin flame, and I haven’t been able to work out how to get back to that place where I was able to stay steady and true all the time. Actually, my twin not sharing his spiritual experiences with me, or showing me any sign in 3d that he has awareness of me, has driven me further away from him emotionally. I think at some point most women need interaction and openness about thoughts & feelings to feel more close to their partners, no matter how sexually attracted you are to someone or what you think they mean to you. However, with all that said, I still desire to become healed and be able to truly forgive whatever I need to so I can continue to forgive what’s blocking us. I want to keep growing & learning so I can trust love again, and be able to love and accept myself more fully so that I can love and accept my twin flame more fully.

I’ve recently been faced with moving forward on my path while my twin works on his own awakening. Many card readers have predicted this for many of the Divine females at this time and I find it to be true for me. My soul mate has been making me an offer to stay by my side as a companion (in ways too complicated for me to explain in this blog... but that’s the basic gist)... and I decided to accept after consulting my higher angelic teams... they all said yes, this is the right thing to do, and I saw all of our higher selves had already agreed to this way of doing mission, before I ever said yes in my head or out of my mouth. This decision did not come easy and many tears and feelings of heartache have flowed through my life the past 3 weeks since I decided to take this part of the journey without my twin flame (not really because we are never really apart because 3d is the only place we are not “together” as far is I can tell).

There were so many bad thoughts and feelings coming at me after I made this decision to take my soul mate up on his offer, that I had to agree with my guides to place a block on my twin so that he would be forced to work on his issues and do his share of his own spiritual journey, instead of being addicted to using remote viewing to obsess over what I am doing and saying and how I’m acting (which is what the guides told me he was doing). The guides also pointed out that by telling my twin that I would just sit around and wait, I contributed to him not feeling the urgency to work on the things he needed to work on spiritually, and there is no time to waste right now because the universe needs all the light workers to stay on task. I realized right away that I made my agreement to “wait" out of a codependency of fear that my twin flame would not love me unless I waited for him. Today, I was psychically picking up on some thoughts of my twin not liking the choice I made to allow the block on him to happen as I venture into this new phase of my learning and growth... and I found myself thinking “well, maybe you shouldn’t have abused my love and connection to you for hundreds of years!”... as I thought this, I was aware of the ego nature of what I was thinking and the need for forgiveness, but it was there & these things are the real way we work through earthly tangles. My soul mate pointed out to me immediately that I have to let go of the anger I have towards my twin because it is blocking me from receiving love.

My soul mate felt my confusion I have about remembering the deep love I have for him, and how I compare it to the love that is blocked from me with my twin flame. My soul mate explained to me that twin flames aren’t one soul split in two, but two light beings paired together by God. After the match was made, God (or universe) changed the light structures within us and created within us exact perfectly matching cells, DNA and light codes that were put in us and call out to be completed at certain intervals (for lack of a better way to describe it). When you come together with your twin flame, all the structures that make you up spiritually and physically come into perfect alignment and harmony, and the light codes complete each other and we merge energies to create one powerful energy. This is the best way I could understand what he was trying to tell me and show me. It seemed like to me that he was saying that God kind of fuses us together with the light encodings. After my soul mate told me this, I suddenly felt I kind of understood what he meant when he said “I wished I could have been your twin flame”.

There is a part of me that finds myself also wishing my soul mate could have been my twin flame, because he could become a walk in with an agreement with someone and we could already be in 3d union & that just feels so much easier to me than drudging through all these painful deep wounds that we’ve created throughout all these centuries of lives we have lived. There isn’t the intense amount of hurt between my soul mate and I that still lies between me and my twin flame. I am also aware of the fact that because of the dynamic with my soul mate, he is here to help me learn how to trust and love again, which I am not able to do on my own yet with my twin. I still see a future in my minds eye of me and my twin flame growing and healing individually and being able to come together as two more whole and healed people so that we can understand and finally feel the full amount of love we have for one another. As a matter of fact, I regard the choice I made to move forward this way with my soul mate as a commitment to my eventual union with my twin flame. My old habit patterns as a person would have been to take the safe route and stay small and stuck in my tiny cubicle at work or stuck sitting around alone, meditating by myself, feeling lonely... hoping one day my twin would get his work done and come to me. This time I am choosing movement and action towards my end goal, even if it’s unpopular with people who see the choices I am making, even if it doesn’t fit the “real” twins rule book. I’m stepping out in faith and watching what happens when I follow my divine guidance to trust my soul mate's wisdom and love for me, so I can see what will happen. Actually, the day I decided to trust and say yes and step onto this new action, I saw me and my twin in 5d releasing years and years of karma & heaviness up out of us, and that was confirmation to me that I was doing the right thing. Everything about this new path feels peaceful and right to me, except for the worry that I have that I am hurting my twin flame and the fear I have that he won’t love me because he will feel that I am betraying him. I hope he can see that I am working on a way to purify myself to find a way to love again so that I can finally let go of all the deep pain and blockages that are keeping me from loving him fully.