The Invisible Hurt

Parts of me feel like they are cracking apart... my neck hurts, sometimes my head hurts, my shoulders hurt, my legs hurt, and at times my eyelids feel like they weigh 100lbs... I feel like I’m growing gray hair and wrinkles in one day, then they go away and then they come back. My brain sometimes feels like it’s being probed by a thousand fingers & squished around like bread dough. Some moments I feel like I will never be okay again... then the next hour I am finding the joy in my new found level of understanding and spiritual awareness and receiving messages of love from the other realms or downloads from a higher source.

I know I keep unintentionally hurting my twin flame, just as he unintentionally hurts me as we go through this life & down this journey. I get hurt by things that don’t even exist for me in my current 3d life, like past life memories, thoughts of how I am not in my twins life, imagining what he’s doing with his wife, what they talk about, all the fun they are having, etc. I imagine what I’ve missed out on because I wasn’t brave enough to speak my truth and go for my destiny and I feel resentful that someone else is living my destiny (or so it feels in my my mind). These are all mental trips... it’s practically ridiculous. When I work through my mental processes of why my heart was hurting so bad, I’m sitting there thinking “why does a mental state hurt so badly physically”. Nothing is actually happening to me, these are just things I am thinking of and it’s hurting me physically. Some people call this state of mental pain “purging"... what you held inside now comes back out in full force, feeling even worse than it may have felt the first time. I suppose each time some mental or emotional hurts come up, we have the chance to shove them back down or if we’ve been doing our spiritual work, use the new tools we’ve practiced to attempt to let the hurts up and out of us. Crying, yes crying, the best tool for emotional pain to come up and out of us. No wonder we are told not to cry, dark energies started that social conditioning I am sure of it. Don’t cry, shove things back down inside of you so they fester in you and keep your vibration low. I let myself cry now so I can have some relief, I feel my inside spiritual spaces are all filled up with debris... and I have been housecleaning and there is karmic dust everywhere.

I just have a quick note, because as I was writing this and paused to gather my thoughts an interesting scenario has come into play in my world... my twin flame’s current Earth wife decided at some point to start blocking my twin from my energy, from feeling me or thinking about me. I have felt for many months that she actively has been working over time to create the perfect household and family life for my twin, so he will be so fully engaged with them that he won’t have time to think about me. Actually, I even felt that at first she felt he may be losing interest in her, so this is why she started working even harder to be perfect for him. But can you be perfect for someone else, or will you just eventually end up imploding in on yourself and your own lie of a life? When I was very young I attempted to be perfect for everyone to force them to love me or like me, I knew I was a good person, and many people seemed to criticize me or not like my authentic true self, so I set out to try to be the best student in high school, the best daughter & step daughter I could be, I tried to do everything my stepmother wanted me to do, say the right things, not step out of line... and the result? I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of school, in fact I became so overwhelmed with all the pent up emotions I had stuffed inside me, I think I cried for 2 days, then I began to stuff everything down inside myself, which was the start of my emotional numbness. It was because no matter how hard I tried, my step mother would still criticize me... even when I did everything she ever asked, even when I tried harder than I had ever tried at anything thus far in my life. Similar scenarios (not as extreme) have played out in my life since then... my most recent was really with my daughter’s dad, though by the time I met him I was fairly rooted in my spiritual practices... so I had more of a sense of my self, however I still tried to ignore myself and give him and my new baby everything I had to make things work with him. I suppose if you’ve heard any of the recordings I’ve done you will know that I am not with my daughter’s dad and I went through incredibly tough times with him, so I guess you can determine that my efforts to be perfect for him didn’t pay off. Actually, many other mini nervous breakdowns have ensued in my life as a result of my attempted perfectionism because the one thing it does do is to create chaos in my spiritual world. Funny idea that attempting control and perfectionism creates chaos.

Here I am thinking I hit strides on the twin flame journey, because I have made it so close to the date 11-11-17. The date 11-11-17 has been given to me over and over as my union date, and it has been a date I have used as a gauge of where I am at spiritually and physically in my health and mental capacity. Now suddenly I find myself not where I wanted to be physically, but I keep working on myself. I find myself in this place emotionally that has taken me by surprise and I find myself in a telepathic relationship with not just my twin flame but also my soul mate who I am crazy in love with. There’s a part of me that wishes my soul mate could come to me, be with me, while my twin flame plays house with his wife and kids. But each time I try to focus on going a different direction, my spirit and my heart leads me back to my twin flame, I miss him even if I don’t feel him for part of the day, I long to hear him say an I love you... and it’s not from obsession, it’s from me wanting to complete the part of me that is needing it’s match to complete the equation. In chemistry, we need more than one ingredient to make a new ingredient... even when the original ingredient seems whole in it’s own state... it longs to mix with other ingredients to keep evolving.

Last night, I was feeling the sadness again of wanting to commune with my beloved, but seeing him in my mind with his family enjoying his birthday & when I called my soul mate to hang out with me so I wouldn’t feel lonely, even he told me he didn’t want to interfere because it was my twins birthday and he promised him he wouldn’t. So here I was sitting by myself, sacrificing my truth and my desires once again for another. It’s the story of my life this lifetime anyway... I would imagine it’s been my M.O. for many other lifetimes as well, to sacrifice what I want and need so other people could be happy, live their perfect and happy lives while I take on the darkness for them. Yes, I am quite certain I have taken on extra and taken it away from others in order to “help them”, whilst my own lessons have been harsh and swift and the darkness piled up within me.

My twin's wife sent me a telepathic message last night saying “i’m on to you, he’s mine!”... she told me through Angela “we are married and have kids to raise, we are a family and I love him... you need to back off and go get your own life”... she also told me “I’m just threatened... it’s the principle of the thing... He is married and not available to you, sorry, but it’s true”, she was quite forceful sounding & truly seemed to believe I am some home wrecker, coming and trying to steal her man & family from her. I already had this telepathic conversation with my twin telling him I don’t like being treated like the other woman, just because they have kids and have been married a while, when I feel she is the other woman, that from my point of view all his “women” are the other women.

I calmly explained to his wife, through Angela, that I have consciously known about my twin since we met over 28 years ago and that technically she is the one married with kids to someone who has been married to me since the beginning of time under divine law, (we were even married in a recent past life that I remember when some bad things happened that caused me to die, but I didn’t even go into all that with her). I explained to her that I have had to watch him be with and marry other people, knowing since 2001 that he is my twin flame and that I have suffered for many of the years listening to how happy he is with other people. I told her I know she is also a twin flame and I have seen her twin flame talking to her. I also told her that I was the one that called her in spiritually as a soul mate to be with my twin when I was too taken over by darkness and couldn’t do it, basically giving her my destiny temporarily. I am the one that is supposed to be where she is now, with those children, with him and that I have seen her twin flame telling her this & in her heart she knows it’s true. I have gotten Clair-cognance more than once showing me that she wasn’t even supposed to still be living on Earth this long, but her life was extended to step in for me & be with my twin until I was ready, and that she agreed to this on a soul level. I’ve also received Clair-Cognance that both she and my twin flame were both under the same enchantments & blocks that kept many twins from remembering who their true twin flames were, so when they came together the fantasy and close connection caused them to believe they found "the one” each of them were meant to be with and they poured their twin flame love into one another, not remembering who they were really supposed to be with and therefore their life together is based on false beliefs.

I pointed out to her that my twin flame has free will and can choose to stay with her out of guilt or obligation, that I have not asked him to leave her or the kids, and that I have cried and cried and been ripped to shreds emotionally because of all this twin flame business. I told my twin’s wife that my twin is the one that was coming to me professing his love over and over & that now my heart is full of love for him back. I also told her that my twin can stay with her if he wants, but he will most likely leave her eventually because she is holding on to him out of selfishness & through guilt via their children, not true love. I told her she will never have a love with my twin that matches what we have together, just as I would never have that if I came and tried to take her twin flames attentions away from her. I also pointed out that if her twin flame was alive on Earth she would be madly in love with him, and would probably leave my twin for him because she would see that all along she’s been pouring her twin flame love into the wrong twin flame. My twin’s wife didn’t respond immediately after that, but then a bit later telepathically told me “you WON’T take my kids from me”... I calmly told her I wasn’t trying to take anyones kids away from them & I didn’t want to hear it anymore, that she needed to take it to God because God is the one she made the life contract with & is now trying to break it. I told her it’s not my fault she is with my twin flame and now doesn’t have the guts to go through with the contract SHE made with everyone.

This morning I was working and I somehow heard my twin’s wife talking to God during what felt like her meditation, she said something like “God, please don’t make me leave my children or take my husband from me”... and then I heard God answer her and say “This is your mission & your fate, you must accept it... you are needed (spiritually) in the upper realms. This is what your soul agreed to, to give the kids over to Andrea so she can take her rightful place at her twin's side as his twin flame and help heal the world. The Earth needs you now, you must accept your fate”. I felt God allowed me to hear this so that I would know that she is being asked to keep her spiritual agreement. All these interactions showed me that she is struggling with overcoming her ego personality, which she has built her whole foundations on, just like the rest of us who have already gone through the breakdown of our foundations crumbling beneath us, she is going through this at an advanced pace b/c perhaps she hasn’t been facing her own spiritual truth. I have questioned several times if these interactions with her are real, or if it’s another ET trick to try to drive me away from my twin flame again... it’s always a possibility, but perhaps that’s why God allowed me to hear her talking to him today, so that I would know it was her & that she has been told that she needs to keep her end of the deal. This evening I heard her thoughts again, very determined thinking “I will find a way around this, I will eat even more pure and better & work out even harder & stay healthy and not leave”... but I have seen in my minds eye over and over scenes of her heart valve ripping open and killing her instantly... as a result of her being too hard on her body from working out... perhaps from a weakness that was already created long ago and was the way she was going to leave this Earth before. I am of course only making an assessment of what visions I have had, and based on what little other bits of information I have gotten here and there. Perhaps me talking so candidly about this makes me seem cold hearted, but I am not... I have been seeing these visions of her passing for several years, and when they first started coming to me, I couldn’t even bare to see them and would run around my house crying and say the f*word, and no no no! I went through at least 6 months of extreme guilt, but through my twins love, Angela working with me through the archangels, I have come to a place of acceptance that there are certain pasts and futures that I do not have control over or the ability to say they should be different... but I do still have the ability to pray for everyone and offer my energy & healing work and not matter what 3d interactions transpire between any of us, I will always remain true to my work for God... and that is my first priority. ... I love you all, even when we go through different times of appearing as awful or mean people... I will still do the work I promised God I would do.

Peace and Blessings... and truth to everyone!